SurvivingSara

Category: Uncategorized

  • Journal January 10

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    Sara Z
    in

    Saw Dr. Liz today. I’ve been tracking my mood one to ten. It’s been mostly fives and sixes with a couple fours. I’m really feeling wiped out. So glad to have a few days off. Dr. Liz says I’m right where I should be in this healing process- and it’s to be expected that I’m…

  • Chapter Three – Early Days

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    Sara Z
    in

    I’ve published the third chapter about my background. This chapter covers my first experiences with anxiety and mild depression. The next chapter will be about my first major depressive episode. I took some time to read other blogs. Mine looks plain next to those I saw, but I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing.…

  • Journal 1/8/20

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    Sara Z
    in

    Today is my third consecutive day of work. I’m going to walk through this day, but I’m so tired. I thought about skipping applying make-up, but then decided to follow my own advice to myself. I’m near tears but I’m breathing and I think I can do this. Another symptom of depression/anxiety I get really…

  • Journal 1/2/20

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    Sara Z
    in

    Unfortunately, I feel like I’m getting worse instead of better. I called Dr. Liz. She said I’m having a relapse. I thought to myself, “How can I have a f**king relapse when I really only felt okay for about a week?” I guess it’s not uncommon. In the past, my recoveries from major depression episodes…

  • Journal 12/29

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    by

    Sara Z
    in

    I found a couple of journal entries I missed. At first I thought I’d just skip them, but then I thought it’s pretty illustrative of how hard it is for me to keep my ducks in a row when I’m depressed. So, I’m adding them out of order. As written on 12/29: I feel overwhelmed…

  • Chapter Two

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    Sara Z
    in

    In chapter two, I describe in detail what depression feels like for me. The next chapter will probably not be published until I have a day off. I welcome feedback about how I’ve structured my blog and recommendations for changes.

  • Chapter One

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    by

    Sara Z
    in

    Being new to blogging, I now realize publishing chapters on a separate page may not be the most effective way to share them. When I add a chapter, I’ll put up a post describing what the chapter is about and providing a place for comments or questions. In chapter one, I describe the shorter version…

  • Journal 1/6 – Taking care of yourself

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    by

    Sara Z
    in

    Worked today and will work the next two days. Three days in a row probably doesn’t sound like much to most people, but it’s my first three day stretch since my leave of absence. It occurred to me this morning that people who’ve lost a loved one to a brain aneurysm might be really offended…

  • Journal 1/5/20

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    Sara Z
    in

    I got my blog up and running over the past two days. I’m energized by the process, which is something I can really use right now. I saw Dr. Liz on Friday. I told her I felt like I was getting worse instead of better. She said that’s not uncommon but she’s confident I will…

  • Journal 12/30

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    by

    Sara Z
    in

    I feel dizzy and weak. I’m trying not to be suicidal, so instead I’m wishing for a brain aneurysm or a terminal illness.

  • Journal 12/27

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    Sara Z
    in

    That second day of work really kicked my ass. I spent several hours helping in the busiest part of our company, and by the end of the day I was anxious and near tears, but I held on. I rested on Christmas Eve day. On Christmas Day, we took things at a relaxed pace in…

  • Journal 12/10 part two

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    Sara Z
    in

    My writing is in a notebook currently and I’ve mixed journal entries and chapters. I just realized I’d failed to include the complete entry for 12/10, so here it is. My husband opened up to a friend about what he’s been going through. I asked if he’d told everything. He said, “Yeah, the whole thing.…

  • Journal 12/23

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    Sara Z
    in

    The Christmas party on Friday went well. I started back to work yesterday and it was okay. I was really nervous about coworkers’ reactions and about helping customers. I hoped I could talk without crying – and I did! It felt like a really long day, after being away for nearly a month. Back at…

  • Journal 12/19

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    Sara Z
    in

    I’m going back to work on Sunday, 12/22, and I’m very nervous. Tomorrow night is my husband’s company Christmas party. That will be good practice to make sure I can talk without crying. We have a room at the hotel where the party is being held, so I’m planning to attend only the dinner and…

  • Journal 12/18

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    by

    Sara Z
    in

    I feel shaky and nervous. I met with Dr. Liz last week for an emergency visit because after initially feeling like I was getting a bit better every day, I found myself in a panic that I no longer had the suicide plan I’d put together. I’d had to hand it over to my husband.…

  • Journal Day 5 12/10/19

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    Sara Z
    in

    I’ve decided if I’m going to blog about being depressed and suicidal, I should get comfortable with saying it to people who care about me. I’ve changed my mind. They can read about it on my blog. Oh, wait. One of my goals is to make it easier to talk about suffering from depression and…

  • Journal Day 4 12/6/19

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    Sara Z
    in

    I’ve never followed a blog or even checked one out. I thought about doing that before I started mine, but then decided to just plow ahead. I’ve also started this blog in a notebook to be published online later. This gives me time to think twice before posting or considering whether or not I should…

  • Journal Day 3

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    Sara Z
    in

    I feel relaxed for the first time in a very long time after five days of bed rest. I have to resist the urge to begin doing, planning, and worrying about what comes next. I’ve thought about suicide more times than I could ever recall. It’s one of the symptoms I get when my depression…

  • Journal Day 2

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    Sara Z
    in

    I have an illness, have had for about 25 years. It goes into remission but recurs at the worst of times. The illness is depression with a side of anxiety. If you’ve experienced either of these, it’s my hope you find company, understanding, encouragement, maybe something to hold on to. If you love or are…

  • First Blog Post – Ever

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    Sara Z
    in

    Here I go, starting a blog, my first. I’m here writing in spite of myself. I am sharing my experience as I move forward, healing from my third, and worst, episode of major clinical depression. I welcome interested readers who would like to walk through this journey with me. If not a single person chooses…