Journal 1/2/20

Unfortunately, I feel like I’m getting worse instead of better. I called Dr. Liz. She said I’m having a relapse. I thought to myself, “How can I have a f**king relapse when I really only felt okay for about a week?” I guess it’s not uncommon. In the past, my recoveries from major depression episodes have been slow but they’ve been steady improvement without this kind of setback. I already had an appointment coming up with Dr. Liz later this week but, in the meantime, she recommended drinking chamomile tea and getting some passion flower herb to help me cope. I got the tea but haven’t gotten the herb. I have today off, so if I feel up to it later, I may go find some.

I’m surprised I made it through the last two days of work. I feel very fortunate to have a boss who understands what I’m going through. I told him I’ve having a tough time still. He told me it’s about the chemicals in my brain and the medication takes time to build up and take effect. He told me it’s not something I can control and gave me the option of staying or going home, whatever would be best for me. I chose to see if I could stick it out, and I did. I worked New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. Tears were near the surface constantly but I smiled and said, “Happy New Year”over and over to the customers. It was exhausting. Working while seriously depressed is harder than working through a fibromyalgia flare-up.

This was my family’s first holiday season without my dad, and I miss him.