The Purpose of My Purpose

I’m still here, damn it, purpose identified or not; so what’s the plan? How long has it been since I set out to discover a sense of meaning for this next chapter of my life? Feels like it’s been plenty of time, but nothing has materialized, no opportunity to set a course defined by aContinue reading “The Purpose of My Purpose”

The Light

No one, besides me, has quit church. Sure, some folks have checked out a different house of worship and moved on; but regular attendees, including actual members of the church and people who study the scriptures, they’re not quitting. If the current pastoral staff and worship programming aren’t meeting a parishioner’s needs, they’d transfer toContinue reading “The Light”

What’s Up?

To anyone who reads this, thank you so much for listening. That’s how I think of the visitors and 143 followers of my blog, as listeners. Most of my posts receive a few views and occasionally someone “likes” something I write. Regardless of how any particular post is received, just publishing my thoughts and emotionsContinue reading “What’s Up?”

Oh, That River In Egypt

When cold winter and spring weather gave way to warmer temperatures, I found the clothes ascribed for summer were tight. Hmmm My husband noted an increase in the size of my mammary glands, and he wasn’t complaining. Interesting. My stomach no longer went flat if I was lying down. It stayed pooched up. Weird. InContinue reading “Oh, That River In Egypt”

It’s as Beautiful or as Terrible as You Make It

What do I fear? What kind of energy am I holding inside? Instead of racing around in my head, I want to choose peace. Healing and calm CAN replace negative, toxic thoughts and emotions. This initially fills me with anxiety, as I internalize the message, “Your wellness is your responsibility. If you were good atContinue reading “It’s as Beautiful or as Terrible as You Make It”

Oh, Hell No

Discovering a purpose for the next stage of life continues to prove elusive, as does a good night’s sleep. Nothing to report except vertigo, serious fatigue, and widespread pain, all of which, combined, keep me feeling pretty sick. Instead, I’m sharing a story that still crosses my mind and makes me smile more than 15Continue reading “Oh, Hell No”

And Then…

Plans, goals, attitude, expectations. Pep talk to self in an effort to spur motivation and commitment. Judging my daily abilities against an aspirational mental picture. Comparing achievements of others with my own sad state of affairs. Suspiciously evaluating my behaviors, or lack thereof, for honest effort versus laziness. And then, I spend a terribly painfulContinue reading “And Then…”

Not So Great Expectations

Update on searching for a purpose: I’ve been working to accept that chronic illness and pain are here to stay and affect everything. I am leaving the past behind, so thankful that I was relatively healthy for so many years. It may be putting the horse before the cart, but I’ve made plans to getContinue reading “Not So Great Expectations”

Tonight Will Be Better

Insomnia. Not just sleep interrupted by trips to the kitchen or bathroom, now I’m talking about hours tossing and turning, in addition to waking up for the day at 4 or 5 am for no particular reason. As many as three naps a day does not even things out, maybe even more discombobulated upon waking.Continue reading “Tonight Will Be Better”

On Mindfulness

Mindfulness is nothing more than a way to describe being fully present. Get out of your head. Still the inner voice that frets, regrets, plans, and criticizes. We are more than our thoughts and feelings, which are merely tools for us to use when it’s advantageous to do so. When you choose to live inContinue reading “On Mindfulness”

Letting Go

My life has consisted of serial efforts to meet or exceed expectations, obvious or imagined, in a wide variety of roles, both familial and those I’ve adopted. The past 18 months, I’ve been trying to succeed at fibromyalgia, depression and anxiety. I’m so tired of clinging ferociously to my climbing rope, aiming for a plateauContinue reading “Letting Go”

Declaration of Peace

The cease fire of the armed conflict with myself outlines mutually agreed upon obligations. Both parties consent to: Disarmament to include insults, both real and imagined, self-doubt, pessimistic outlook, and any other efforts to injure. Revisiting the past will focus only on positive memories. Negative events are deleted and no longer available for review. BreathingContinue reading “Declaration of Peace”

The Nature of My Insecurity

When I read this, my anxiety rises. My head knows it is beautiful and I breathe, knowing it should feel good to revisit. Instead, I see a list of characteristics and rate my performance on each in the back of my mind, not comparing myself to others but judging against an ideal. The first hitContinue reading “The Nature of My Insecurity”

Dr. Google

Dr. Google is an alarmist. I knew this but I went back to see him because he’s so available to patients. No appointment, no answering service or on-call partners. I don’t have to sit in a waiting room full of sick people. No risk of COVID. And he provides diagnoses galore. Pick one! Don’t likeContinue reading “Dr. Google”