Journal 12/18

I feel shaky and nervous. I met with Dr. Liz last week for an emergency visit because after initially feeling like I was getting a bit better every day, I found myself in a panic that I no longer had the suicide plan I’d put together. I’d had to hand it over to my husband. My mom and sister came over Thursday, and I admitted to them I was sorry I’d let my friend at work know that I had a plan and the means. My mom and sister talked to me about how much they love me and want me to stay. My mom told me she could not handle it if I took my own life. The thoughts kept running through my head until I came up with a new plan. I didn’t have the intent to carry it out, but it gave me a sense of relief to have an alternate plan. When I woke on Friday, I felt terrible. Then I remembered my new plan; it made me feel better and worse at the same time.

Dr. Liz had me set up a buddy system with an identified person to whom I would reach out if I began to feel suicidal again. My buddy is my husband. I was reluctant to call him with this latest suicidal thinking because he was at work. I texted and asked him if he wanted me to ask my sister to be my buddy instead. He suggested that maybe they could both be my buddies.

I called one of my sisters, explained the buddy system, and asked if she was willing to be one of my buddies. She readily agreed but said I’d have to tell her how to be my buddy. I explained that I’d come up with a new plan and felt relief to have an option. She encouraged me to call Dr. Liz, which I did. Another patient had cancelled for later in the day and she offered that time to me. I asked my husband if he’d be home in time to take me, and he said he’d make sure he was.

When I told Dr. Liz that I was again having suicidal thinking and had a new plan, she explained that the antidepressant I’d been on long term, and that she’d increased the dosage of, must have worn out its effectiveness for me. She began me on a new medication that I have not been on previously. So, now I am on the medicine I started ten years ago, the one she’d started me on in November, and a third. She said we’d work me off the one I’d been on since 2009 when I stabilized on the other two.

By Monday, three days later, I felt like I’d turned a corner. The prescription she’d started me on when I saw her initially was taking effect. When I saw Dr. Liz for my already scheduled appointment on Tuesday, I wasn’t feeling great but I wasn’t feeling suicidal any longer. She had me take a depression inventory, and I scored as only mildly depressed versus the serious condition I’d presented with on the day after Thanksgiving. My anticipated return to work date had been 12/22. When Dr. Liz asked me if I felt ready to return to work or if I needed another week, I requested that she decide. I have trouble trusting my own perceptions and judgments right now. Dr. Liz said I will be getting better every day now and she thought I should try returning to work. This coming Sunday, I will be back at work. I’m nervous but I trust Dr. Liz and I’m following her advice.

Published by Sara

I'm middle-aged, mother of two adult sons, and a wife. I've been a teacher, counselor, medical transcriptionist, student teacher supervisor, substitute teacher and now I work in retail. File that under life takes many twists and turns one cannot predict!

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