Journal Day 4 12/6/19

I’ve never followed a blog or even checked one out. I thought about doing that before I started mine, but then decided to just plow ahead. I’ve also started this blog in a notebook to be published online later. This gives me time to think twice before posting or considering whether or not I should even have a blog at all. I’m going to publish the dates of my journal entries and they are accurate to when I actually wrote them.

I’m fine with my closest friends and family knowing what I’ve been through, and I’m not worried in the least about strangers reading this. The thought of friends, acquaintances, coworkers, people I run into in the community reading this – I’m not going to lie – that makes me nervous.

I’m feeling better every day. It helps that I was already on an antidepressant and we increased the dose. I’ve also started on a new, complimentary medication. I continue on bed rest for the most part. This will get more difficult as my condition imrpoves. I know this because my m.o. has always been to do too much, too soon, when recovering from any illness or injury. The first couple of days of rest, I kept running a “should” list through my head. My sister recently listened to a podcast on which anxiety was discussed. One person said he tells himself, “Not now,” when he starts should-ing. I’m trying that. Now, a week in, it is such a relief to know I’m not supposed to be doing anything. When I woke up this morning, my first instinct to go through a to-do list was easily brushed aside.

Because I’ve been dealing with depression for 25 years, the story of how I got to the point where I was planning my end has a very long version, but also a more recent chapter. I’ve decided I’ll start with the most current set of events and circumstances, later giving a full account of my initial experience and extended journey with depression and anxiety, as well as the effect on the stages of my life and relationships.

I sat in our hot tub today for the first time since shit hit the fan on 11/24. Much as I tried to be fully present, my mind kept returning to my writing. I can’t get it all on paper right now but as a reminder to myself:

  • Chapter One
  • See what Dr. Liz thinks – am I crazy to put this out there? What if trolls come out and say terrible things?
  • Relax, it’s all in my head and I can remember later

It’s really hard to talk about being suicidal, especially with someone who has a legal duty to report if a person is suicidal or homicidal. You have to choose your words very carefully.

Published by Sara

I'm middle-aged, mother of two adult sons, and a wife. I've been a teacher, counselor, medical transcriptionist, student teacher supervisor, substitute teacher and now I work in retail. File that under life takes many twists and turns one cannot predict!

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