I Want to Change My Thinking but I Don’t Know How

Am I bitter? Miserable? Dejected? Stuck?

Right now I’m thinking I shouldn’t even write this because who wants to read someone who feels sorry for themself? I don’t want to be these things but I don’t know how to change. No need for memes to tell me how important it is that I face my future with a positive attitude; I’ve seen ’em.

Desperation is so familiar. Years of pain and isolation have worn me down. I don’t want this life. I want the one I thought I was living – able to walk, hike, travel some, garden, paint, hang out with friends and family… My purpose was to weave compassion into the fabric of life no matter who I’m with, where I am, whatever I’m doing.

Reality is being mostly alone. My husband is here before and after work, so I’m not literally by myself 24/7. Reality is pain every day, some worse than others, completing a couple simple self-care tasks on a good day. The truth is even my dog has moved on. I’m not the one who feeds her, takes her for walks or to the vet; and she doesn’t really have the time of day for me anymore. Because of my falls, she runs when I’m upright. Treatment-resistant depression and anxiety don’t follow my plans.What am I doing this for???

Developing a positive attitude is another responsibility and guilt-inducing thus far. It is the only way to withstand this existence and I do make concerted efforts. Focusing on the here and now, I have a beautiful redone bedroom and bath. The view out of my sliding glass door is amazing, trees, field, and occasional wildlife; I probably wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the woods bordering out yard. Yes, I am so grateful to be where I am.

I grasp for uplifting threads to weave into my own, small tapestry. One day, I decide I’m going to come back to my blog and find my purpose in writing. Another day, I plan to do exercises, go outside, write and/or eat protein regularly every day. Then, there’s another fall, a broken tooth, seized back muscles, vertigo, headache, forever tightness in neck & shoulders, muscle weakness, fatigue, ribs on fire, etc. When I’m unable to fulfill this regimen, I feel like shit, disappointed in myself.

My father was a huge proponent of the power of positive thinking and encouraged it in my sisters and me as we grew up. And it did work for me, it seemed, over the years. Now, when I need desperately to think positively, I can’t find it. How do I manufacture a consistent, solid positive mindset when, many days, I can’t even talk without crying?

p.s. I am working with a counselor and a psych P.A. Not trying to deal with this alone.