For the past week, I was. Today, I am. When anxious, I remind myself that my purpose, for now, is just to be. Be. When pain visited, enduring or distraction were my choices. I didn’t try to figure out how it originated, wasn’t surprised, and didn’t keep track of the usual problems. Some new symptomsContinue reading “On Being”
Tag Archives: depression
Passion
What is my passion? In reading articles regarding developing a personal purpose, some recommend having a purpose that involves an individual’s passion. Maybe my passion is wanting to figure out a life purpose that doesn’t require much change on my part. 😉 Things I’m pondering in relation to identifying passion and purpose: Do I needContinue reading “Passion”
Opting In
Reviewing methods of suicide, each has it’s own difficulty. All who know me well would understand if I chose not to bear the pain for the next decades. It truly is up to me. My new focus is finding purpose for this next chapter in my life. Until I discover what that is, I’ll doContinue reading “Opting In”
If I’m Honest
That phrase bugs the shit out of me. Yeah, please do. Be honest. Was everything before just bullshit? Are you letting me know that you’re not always telling me the truth? In the best light possible, it can mean you keep some things to yourself but, since someone asked, now you’ll say what you reallyContinue reading “If I’m Honest”
This or That?
In any given circumstance, the only thing we can actually control is our perspective. Any person can view a rainy day as gloomy, considering it bad weather, or embrace the chance to curl up and binge watch a new series. Mostly stuck in bed with chronic pain, fatigue, and illness, I’m experiencing great difficulty changingContinue reading “This or That?”
I Should
More than once I’ve followed my thoughts down rabbit holes recently and landed on the idea that I should probably see a counselor to help me adjust to having a chronic illness. I should do yoga and meditate. I should spend less time on my tablet and do something more productive with that time. ButContinue reading “I Should”
This Moment
I’m in trouble. Fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, I don’t want to live this life for 20-30 years more. My husband would be free of my baggage. But I want to be at my sons’ weddings and be a grandma. I have a plan and the things I would need. I don’t want to call anyone. I’veContinue reading “This Moment”
These Days
Well, 2021 is certainly a disappointment out of the gate with strange days I never thought we’d be experiencing in the USA. Since March last, the whole world has been suspended in uncertainty, every single person on earth, old enough to comprehend, simultaneously.What energy has been released and where the hell will it take us?Continue reading “These Days”
The Last to Know
(Revised 2:30 p.m. PST) Turns out ostriches don’t actually bury their heads as some kind of response to an unknown threat. Females dig holes for eggs. Mothers put their heads in the holes regularly to rotate them. This is the image that led to the reference of burying one’s head in the sand. Like anContinue reading “The Last to Know”
One Year Later – Hope
I just passed the one year mark of the day I wrote a suicide note and purchased the supplies necessary to carry out my plan the next day, the Monday before Thanksgiving. I thought about it briefly, seated at our holiday table a few days ago, with my husband and two grown sons, but madeContinue reading “One Year Later – Hope”
Another Day
The last couple of birthdays have been too exciting, not in a good way. I didn’t commit suicide last November, so I’m having another. I’m all for letting my birthdays pass by quietly, but I will celebrate if none of my loved ones end up in the hospital today!
I’ll Take It
Feeling ever so slightly better, in comparison to the last couple weeks, so I want to acknowledge that. Things could flip at any moment, but it’s been a nice four hours, and maybe I’ll get more. I’m switching insurance and, of course, there was a hitch; so I was going to write this as IContinue reading “I’ll Take It”
How Long?
When every day is painful and difficult, how many years of that do you owe to the people who love you before you choose to be done struggling, knowing full well that the pain and difficulty will then transfer to your family and friends. What is strong? You hear people say sometimes, “Oh, she wasContinue reading “How Long?”
In the Shadows
Eight-and-a-half months ago, I came very close to ending my life. I don’t feel as far from that as I thought I would by this time. Of course, I didn’t foresee a global pandemic upending the lives of people around the world. A report I read earlier today said depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts areContinue reading “In the Shadows”
Prognosis
So irritated that my depression is not improving according to my plan and timetable. I’ve been through this a couple times before, so I know the drill. Let’s go!
The Best-Laid Plans…
Last week, I decided not to make daily plans because I was disappointing myself day after day. The intertwined difficulties of depression and fibromyalgia have brought me to a place I haven’t been to previously, my functioning impaired significantly for several months. It’s now eight months since I collapsed under the weight of suicidal depression.Continue reading “The Best-Laid Plans…”
On the Inside
I’m feeling squiggly, which is how I describe the roiling of depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia. Not a full-on meltdown, just a constant, gnawing sense that I’m not okay or something out there isn’t right. It insists on receiving my attention, or at least won’t let me focus on anything else in a sustained, meaningful way.Continue reading “On the Inside”
In My Brain
Not sure this one will get published. May remain in draft limbo. My mind is not being very nice to me today. I was cleaning pine needles and weeds out of my succulent garden; and, out of nowhere, my brain started in, “You are the odd one. After you’ve been with people, they all agreeContinue reading “In My Brain”
Wait, What?
Back in November, in the midst of profound depression, I stayed in bed for a couple weeks and zoned out on binge TV, waiting for the meds to reach my brain. One particular show looked interesting; but when it started, the sound effects seemed extreme and discordant. I remember thinking it made the show unwatchable.Continue reading “Wait, What?”
A Wreck
When my mom asked where my pain is, my answer was lengthy. After a bit she texted, asking if I’d been in a wreck. I told her it sure feels like I’ve been in a wreck but it was just a session in the dental chair. I made it through the whole shift today, whichContinue reading “A Wreck”
