Falling. Falling. Falling.
Vertigo, loss of balance, leg weakness, trembling, tripping, collapsing, losing my place in space.
Bumping, bruising, knocking, whacking, breaking.
This past week, I got out of bed around midnight to use the bathroom. After taking a few steps and feeling unstable, I stood still. Planted both feet flat on the floor. Still, I fell. I reached for the door jamb to grab in an effort to break the fall, but the fall broke me. No bones, but took me down hard.
My husband woke up from the noise and came to help. I got up on all fours but fell over. Paused for a few and then was able to crawl to the bed. The same ankle I broke in a fall nearly a year ago was source of the worst pain.
The left ankle swelled up and hurt badly. Got into doctor the next day and x-rays showed no fracture. With the titanium plate and many screws, my orthopedic surgeon had assured me it would be very difficult to break that ankle again. Ligaments and soft tissue remain painful and probably will for a bit.
Accepting new images of myself has been a struggle at each bend in the road. Decreasing abilities, both physical and cognitive, have caused such pain. Now, I can’t even be sure that I’ll be stable and safe standing on my own two feet without moving. I can’t be sure I can stand on my own two feet and not fall. I’m saying, “WTAF?”
The newest self-image adjustment involves accepting that I have to use walking assistance ALWAYS. There will be no days where I can decide it’ll probably be okay just to walk down the hall. I didn’t even make it to the hall.
I love my new hickory cane, but didn’t think I would become utterly dependent on it. I’m considering sitting down on the floor if I feel the “wave” or “sway” in my body.
Moving independently is no longer an option for me. Not occasionally or frequently, but always.
Yeah, okay. I gotta get back up. Sometimes rising up is not possible. Right now, I am down. This, my whole condition sucks so f*cking bad. I hate this.
How to be careful, avoiding falls, increasing stability when even standing still isn’t safe?
I don’t think of myself as an old lady but I’m sure people below the age of 40 probably do. Whether my age qualifies me or not, my life does. At this point, I feel like giving in. Look there, I’m even going to end a sentence with a preposition and I don’t care.