Letting Go

Trigger warning: depression, suicidal thinking

If you’re reading this, thanks for hanging out. I’m beginning again again. Opagque darkness has been visited upon me this past month, following a family upheaval. The spiral down was quick and steep, maybe because it’s so familiar. This time though, I got closer than I have ever been.

On the doorstep of whatever comes next, ready to go, I looked at my phone. My best friend since I was 14 years old texted that she was on her way. A couple weeks ago when she mentioned visiting on spring break, I’d told her not to call first but just come on over because I’d likely cancel if given the opportunity.

My sweet friend loved me up, took care of me, and listened. She facilitated an appointment for me to have acupuncture tomorrow. Today, I purchased new bedroom furniture. Nearly 60 and this is the first time my space will not have odds and ends picked up or purchased along the way. I am unwinding.

I accept now that I am no longer equipped to deflate drama. Not (just) that I don’t want to be involved, I’m reduced to a puddling, red-faced, tangled mess. Setting and keeping firm boundaries requires its own effort but less than trying to recover from a meltdown.

So, my purpose in life is breathing and smiling. Creating a space that is peaceful and beautiful is clearly important. I bought a painting recently, which I’ve never done; it’s bright and colorful. I expect acupuncture to feel good. When I had it 25 years ago, I fell asleep. Looking forward to it. I’ve made massage and chiropractic appointments, actively encouraged by my wonderful friend in an effort to rebuild a routine I’ve been unable to construct. She saved my life.

Think I’m returning to blogging as I journey this. Focus will be letting go of who I used to be and who I imagined I’d be in the years ahead. Hahaha I just realized that my goal is to NOT focus on past and future. Stop mulling on what’s lost. Be fully present. My perpetual life lesson, cheers to now.