The Purpose of My Purpose

I’m still here, damn it, purpose identified or not; so what’s the plan? How long has it been since I set out to discover a sense of meaning for this next chapter of my life? Feels like it’s been plenty of time, but nothing has materialized, no opportunity to set a course defined by aContinue reading “The Purpose of My Purpose”

The Light

No one, besides me, has quit church. Sure, some folks have checked out a different house of worship and moved on; but regular attendees, including actual members of the church and people who study the scriptures, they’re not quitting. If the current pastoral staff and worship programming aren’t meeting a parishioner’s needs, they’d transfer toContinue reading “The Light”

What’s Up?

To anyone who reads this, thank you so much for listening. That’s how I think of the visitors and 143 followers of my blog, as listeners. Most of my posts receive a few views and occasionally someone “likes” something I write. Regardless of how any particular post is received, just publishing my thoughts and emotionsContinue reading “What’s Up?”

It’s as Beautiful or as Terrible as You Make It

What do I fear? What kind of energy am I holding inside? Instead of racing around in my head, I want to choose peace. Healing and calm CAN replace negative, toxic thoughts and emotions. This initially fills me with anxiety, as I internalize the message, “Your wellness is your responsibility. If you were good atContinue reading “It’s as Beautiful or as Terrible as You Make It”

Not So Great Expectations

Update on searching for a purpose: I’ve been working to accept that chronic illness and pain are here to stay and affect everything. I am leaving the past behind, so thankful that I was relatively healthy for so many years. It may be putting the horse before the cart, but I’ve made plans to getContinue reading “Not So Great Expectations”

Letting Go

My life has consisted of serial efforts to meet or exceed expectations, obvious or imagined, in a wide variety of roles, both familial and those I’ve adopted. The past 18 months, I’ve been trying to succeed at fibromyalgia, depression and anxiety. I’m so tired of clinging ferociously to my climbing rope, aiming for a plateauContinue reading “Letting Go”

The Nature of My Insecurity

When I read this, my anxiety rises. My head knows it is beautiful and I breathe, knowing it should feel good to revisit. Instead, I see a list of characteristics and rate my performance on each in the back of my mind, not comparing myself to others but judging against an ideal. The first hitContinue reading “The Nature of My Insecurity”

This or That?

In any given circumstance, the only thing we can actually control is our perspective. Any person can view a rainy day as gloomy, considering it bad weather, or embrace the chance to curl up and binge watch a new series. Mostly stuck in bed with chronic pain, fatigue, and illness, I’m experiencing great difficulty changingContinue reading “This or That?”

On the Inside

I’m feeling squiggly, which is how I describe the roiling of depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia. Not a full-on meltdown, just a constant, gnawing sense that I’m not okay or something out there isn’t right. It insists on receiving my attention, or at least won’t let me focus on anything else in a sustained, meaningful way.Continue reading “On the Inside”

Looking for Trouble

My mind is swirling, searching through situations currently occurring in my life, trying to find something worrisome to grab like the brass ring at a carousel. Not working today, a massage is scheduled for this afternoon. I should get busy doing stuff around the house, but I feel really tired. I fret about all theContinue reading “Looking for Trouble”

Living with Chronic Pain

The first clue that my back pain was going to be something to deal with long-term, aside from my doctor realizing my legs were different lengths, was at the physical therapy office. At age 16, standing 5’9″ and weighing 103 pounds, the therapist traced both sides of my spine with marker, and then he startedContinue reading “Living with Chronic Pain”