Rambling Along Alone

WARNING: discussion of suicidal thinking in this post.

Well, this past week has been very difficult as my husband prepared for the arrival of his mom coming to live with us. Today, he arrives at her home in California. They’ll rent the truck and pack it up this weekend. Monday morning they take off and arrive here on Tuesday. She’s moving in Tuesday.

I just started writing a fullsome description of the problems encountered during this process, but I can’t. I am too tired. The combination of fibromyalgia and being emotionally distraught over what felt like my husband’s complete absence from the discussion has torn me up At my counseling appointment on Wednesday, I cried from the deepest part of myself. Haven’t done that for a little while. When she asked if I had thoughts of wanting to go to sleep and not wake up, I told her, “No. I have thoughts of suicide.” She confirmed I had a plan and the means but I didn’t want to tell her what the means was. I could see her evaluating whether involuntary admission to a psych ward was appropriate, so I quickly inserted that I wouldn’t carry it out because I couldn’t do that to my mom or sons. She’s checking in with me every other day for now.

I haven’t mentioned my suicidal thinking to anyone else until now. I didn’t want to tell my husband before he left because then he’d be tortured about going but would go anyway. Not telling my mom because she’s already concerned about what this change is doing to me and will do. When I told her my husband keeps saying maybe it won’t be as bad as I think it will be, she said, “No, it’s probably going to be worse.” I know who my mother-in-law is, how she operates and how she treats people, and so does my mom. She’s nearly 84 and I won’t saddle her with concerns about suicide. She’s been through that with me before.

Thought about reaching out to my sisters but haven’t felt they’re responsive to my group emails sharing what’s going on in my life. I invited them to share with me what’s happening with them, but they don’t. In my mind, they’re so disappointed in me for not seeing my mom more that they’ve kind of dismissed me. Not looking for support there now. It would be unfair to concern my young adult sons of the possibility, as they enjoy friends and build their own lives. My oldest got his own apartment and is moving out Saturday, just three days before mother-in-law moves in. Timing is everything.

It’s happening. I’m in the midst of the transition to having my mother-in-law as an occupant here, and there’s nothing to do about it. I definitely share specific concerns regarding the new living arrangement with my mother but not my suicidal ideation. I did share with my lifelong friend, though. She committed to supporting me through this but I haven’t heard from her since; she’s a teacher and it’s the start of the school year here. My blog won’t be read by most friends and family. I do have one very faithful friend who reads all posts, but she is also a teacher. For her, school has started and she’s dealing with COVID exposure. I know I could call a suicide hotline, but I don’t have the energy to explain.

My safety plan is to think of my family anytime thoughts of checking out enter my mind. It’s carried me across hours, days, and weeks in the past. Just have to accept it’s a solitary endeavor.