It’s as Beautiful or as Terrible as You Make It

What do I fear? What kind of energy am I holding inside? Instead of racing around in my head, I want to choose peace. Healing and calm CAN replace negative, toxic thoughts and emotions.

This initially fills me with anxiety, as I internalize the message, “Your wellness is your responsibility. If you were good at life, given the tools and knowledge you’ve acquired through the years, you would be feeling great. Figure this out and get off your ass.” My inner voice frequently reminds me that I’m not doing anything well anymore.

I’ve learned before that intentionally releasing negative energy absolutely improves health and function. Remembering I already know this, I wonder why I haven’t been doing that.

* I wrote the above yesterday. Indeed, on Wednesday I was watching “Healing” on Amazon Prime and was very inspired, ready to take a new look at my lifestyle in order to decrease pain and improve function.

Today, Thursday, I go to the doctor to review current symptoms and my visit with the pharmacotherapist. In my post “All Things in Moderation” I related how chocolate had become way too important in my life and I was consuming too much, too frequently. Since then, I quit chocolate cold turkey in the form of cookies, candy and ice cream. I also seriously cut back dairy in an effort to decrease the calcium in my blood. So, I was even a little bit excited to see how many pounds I’d shed.

I GAINED six pounds. What the fuck? When I saw this, I was so angry. Beyond surprised, I was furious. At who? There’s no one to whom I can direct this rush of emotion.

My doctor had the nerve, the nerve! to suggest I’m replacing those empty caTories with other food. She also asked if I exercise. Whoa, wait a minute, I didn’t ask about that. Nevertheless, she reacts to my disappointment very calmly and directs the cause of any weight gain back to me. Hate when they do that.

In addition, the lab did not run the two tests I was most interested in, calcium level and GFR indicating how well, or unwell, kidneys are functioning. They took four vials of blood but didn’t do a basic CBC (complete blood count). More blood was drawn today and the lab technician said the doctor hadn’t previously requested the CBC.

After I visit the dentist for work on a broken crown on Friday, I need to find my way back to the optimistic outlook that I can improve my situation by releasing negative thoughts and feelings. For now, they’ve got a home.

p.s. I forgot to tell you, I also quit all alcohol in October of 2019, and didn’t see any weight loss as a result. I didn’t drink a lot, but I definitely enjoyed some beers or a couple cocktails pretty regularly. Just a month before I experienced a suicidal crisis, I developed a strong aversion to alcohol. Don’t know why but I sure am grateful. If I’d self medicated with it, I can’t imagine I would have survived.

Published by Sara, short reads

I'm a middle-aged wife and mother of two adult sons. I've been a teacher, counselor, medical transcriptionist, student teacher supervisor, substitute teacher and retail clerk. Staying home now due to fibromyalgia. Seeking purpose.

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