Don’t Should on Me

All day, every day, for all my adult life, I’ve been “should-ing” on myself. Whether I realized it or not, the tape was running in the background of my mind constantly.

I should:

• make appointments
• keep appointments
• clean the bathroom
• grocery shop
• pick up the kids
• lose weight
• exercise
• clean the kitchen
• keep an eye on my boys
• get a new job
• have sex
• make dinner
• see my mom
• take mom to appointments
• take dad on walks
• vacuum
• be ready for anyone to stop by at any time

Every day tasks became increasingly difficult as aches, pains, cramps, dizziness, and nausea took up residence. But I should…

Even as my world has gotten smaller, I haven’t taken time off from should-ing on myself. I should:

• stretch
• walk
• go outside
• do some watercolor painting
• clean up my bedroom
• shower
• learn how to use the camera I got as a Christmas present, in 2023.
• put on makeup
• and most of all, be responsible for finding some new means or method of relief.

So, if I continue to have increased pain and other symptoms, that’s on me. I haven’t been good enough at stretching, riding my recumbent stationary bike, eating regular meals, etc. I hadn’t lightened my spirit with watercolor painting or learning photography. Seriously, I continued to be surprised and disappointed over and over and over when I had a flare up of symptoms.

As part of acceptance, I’m letting go of should-ing. A chronic illness mantra I learned from Christina Applegate is this, “I will awaken each day and take the action indicated.”