SurvivingSara

Tag: depression

  • After the Ink

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    Sara Z
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    Reggie drew up a beautiful tattoo for me, not as uptight as the original little bouquet of wildflowers I considered but not as loose and abstract as Chihuly glass. (He did keep moving his mask up & it kept sliding down. They had good “mask required” signage. Everyone in the shop wore them, including customers.)…

  • Nada

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    Sara Z
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    Two pieces of bad news yesterday have got me emptied. If I speak, my voice will crack and tears will fall. Stop thinking. Don’t dwell. No feelings. Tears roll down cheeks if they must. Vague melancholy bests sobbing. Television provides distraction for brief respites, but physical pain permeates. Hollowed out currently. Too painful to think…

  • Countdown: 3 Days

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    Sara Z
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    New tattoo being inked on Sunday, October 24th! When the tattoo studio manager called to confirm my upcoming appointment, he asked if I had reference photos. Apparently, the first email they requested back in August didn’t land in the correct inbox. I was, actually, relieved. I’ve given my new tattoo a lot of thought since…

  • Before – Early October

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    Sara Z
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    In late October, I’ll be receiving a tattoo on my lower right leg. (I just typed ‘left leg.’ Oops. Better get my story straight.) I made the appointment in August and emailed ideas to the artist. Here is the description with photos for a design. I’ll post “After” to let you know how the experience…

  • Yayoi Kusama

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    Sara Z
    in

    One of her early art pieces was her lying down naked in the middle of a busy city street, New York I think. Couldn’t find a picture of that one. She also worked on paper. After seeing a segment about this fascinating artist on CBS News Sunday Morning, I was thrilled to hear the installation…

  • Shhhhh

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    Sara Z
    in

    Don’t talk about it. Keep your feelings to yourself. Oooh, do I need to treat you with kid gloves? You’re really gonna go there? I did not sound that way. It wasn’t meant like that. Makes you feel bad? Listening to you nitpick everything I say is making me feel bad. That’s how I feel…

  • Wishful & Wistly

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    Sara Z
    in

    Always, it seems, an echo of wistfulness reverberates in my soul to which I assign sadness and loneliness. It occurs to me now, though, that the best course may be to uncouple this sensation from depression. Experiencing wistfulness doesn’t have to be negative. Perhaps nostalgic is a more apt synonym than melancholy. Wistful vs nostalgic.…

  • The Purpose of My Purpose

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    Sara Z
    in

    I’m still here, damn it, purpose identified or not; so what’s the plan? How long has it been since I set out to discover a sense of meaning for this next chapter of my life? Feels like it’s been plenty of time, but nothing has materialized, no opportunity to set a course defined by a…

  • What’s Up?

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    Sara Z
    in

    To anyone who reads this, thank you so much for listening. That’s how I think of the visitors and 143 followers of my blog, as listeners. Most of my posts receive a few views and occasionally someone “likes” something I write. Regardless of how any particular post is received, just publishing my thoughts and emotions…

  • It’s as Beautiful or as Terrible as You Make It

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    Sara Z
    in

    What do I fear? What kind of energy am I holding inside? Instead of racing around in my head, I want to choose peace. Healing and calm CAN replace negative, toxic thoughts and emotions. This initially fills me with anxiety, as I internalize the message, “Your wellness is your responsibility. If you were good at…

  • Not So Great Expectations

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    Sara Z
    in

    Update on searching for a purpose: I’ve been working to accept that chronic illness and pain are here to stay and affect everything. I am leaving the past behind, so thankful that I was relatively healthy for so many years. It may be putting the horse before the cart, but I’ve made plans to get…

  • On Mindfulness

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    Sara Z
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    Mindfulness is nothing more than a way to describe being fully present. Get out of your head. Still the inner voice that frets, regrets, plans, and criticizes. We are more than our thoughts and feelings, which are merely tools for us to use when it’s advantageous to do so. When you choose to live in…

  • Circle Back

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    Sara Z
    in

    Seems I’ve been learning the same things for all my years. Felt like I was moving through life in a linear fashion but, looking over the posts of this blog, I found something that surprised me. I see recurrent themes and topics, which is to be expected. Then, not too long ago, I penned a…

  • Letting Go

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    Sara Z
    in

    My life has consisted of serial efforts to meet or exceed expectations, obvious or imagined, in a wide variety of roles, both familial and those I’ve adopted. The past 18 months, I’ve been trying to succeed at fibromyalgia, depression and anxiety. I’m so tired of clinging ferociously to my climbing rope, aiming for a plateau…

  • Declaration of Peace

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    Sara Z
    in

    The cease fire of the armed conflict with myself outlines mutually agreed upon obligations. Both parties consent to: Disarmament to include insults, both real and imagined, self-doubt, pessimistic outlook, and any other efforts to injure. Revisiting the past will focus only on positive memories. Negative events are deleted and no longer available for review. Breathing…

  • I Want Off This Ride!

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    Sara Z
    in

    A couple of weeks ago, I met with a pharmacotherapist. I hadn’t known that was a thing; I thought people were just supposed to talk to a local, like a Walgreens or CVS, pharmacist. My pharmacy sits me down once a year and someone tells me to quit the omeprazole I take for acid reflux,…

  • All Things in Moderation

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    Sara Z
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    For years, I’d prided myself on being able to satisfy my sweet tooth, primarily a chocolate tooth, with a square or two of a candy bar. One cookie was enough for me to feel indulged. Over time, I began to have a little bit of chocolate and then a little bit more. In the early…

  • On Being

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    Sara Z
    in

    For the past week, I was. Today, I am. When anxious, I remind myself that my purpose, for now, is just to be. Be. When pain visited, enduring or distraction were my choices. I didn’t try to figure out how it originated, wasn’t surprised, and didn’t keep track of the usual problems. Some new symptoms…

  • Passion

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    Sara Z
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    What is my passion? In reading articles regarding developing a personal purpose, some recommend having a purpose that involves an individual’s passion. Maybe my passion is wanting to figure out a life purpose that doesn’t require much change on my part. 😉 Things I’m pondering in relation to identifying passion and purpose: Do I need…

  • Opting In

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    Sara Z
    in

    Reviewing methods of suicide, each has it’s own difficulty. All who know me well would understand if I chose not to bear the pain for the next decades. It truly is up to me. My new focus is finding purpose for this next chapter in my life. Until I discover what that is, I’ll do…