Good Thinks

The title was meant to be “Good Things,” but the middle finger that moves involuntarily gave me “Good Thinks.” I’ll go with that. I’m looking for good thinks. A meditation I’ve used is sitting beside a stream, allowing leaves to carry away thoughts or concerns. I’ve never been a good meditator, but I wonder if I can flip it, noticing autumn-colored (in my stream) leaves showing me bits of love, peace and grace before floating out of sight. Once again, I’m going to be mindful (working on for ages) and collect pieces of peace. I’m aware small mercies are visited upon me that often go unnoticed.

Years ago, I was confident that my purpose in life was weaving love and compassion into the fabric of life wherever, whenever, and whomever I was with. When I felt crappy in the morning before going to substitute teach or work a shift at a large retail store, my husband and I would remind me that all I had to do was weave and the rest would take care of itself. It served me well and I believe I touched the lives of many people if only in the tiniest way.

Following a debilitating event, everything changed. How can I fulfill my purpose when I don’t interact with people? Okay, maybe do some weaving online. I’ve just never connected with people online the way I see some forming friendships, probably because of the inate untrustworthiness of the internet. I accept that this purpose is no longer a good fit for me.

Since that loss, I wander aimlessly in my mind, through the days, searching for a new purpose, something to DO. Early on, I decided I would delve deeply on a subject, viewing it from 360^o. Why? Because I have the time. I just couldn’t catch a topic that I was motivated to research. The idea of examining an issue from all angles was overwhelming, though, and was constantly interrupted by personal current events including falling, grade III ankle sprain, inability to visit my elderly mom, life, etc. While I used to be sharp and able to juggle multiple balls, now they land around me, some rolling away.

Moving on from seeking a singular focus for my new purpose, I ask myself, “What can I DO, purposefully and positively, to improve this world somehow? Love is what’s needed to break down barriers, make connections, and build healthier communities, in my humble opinion. May be Pollyanna-ish, but it’s where I land. In the end, my life will amount to the two beautiful, adult sons I gifted to everyone, and that’s a lot of love and wonderfulness. I do still want to help share the love, which seems to require action on my part.

What if receiving love is enough? Or maybe I’m just looking for a way out. I have weighed whether or not to care about anything, letting life slide by unobserved. Nah, I consider life whether I want to or not; it’s in me. A purpose in life that can be fulfilled by a mindful reception of love versus the responsibility to bear love, grace, and peace to others, specifically and personally, has never occurred to me.

I see now I have focused on the absence of loving in my isolation, reinforcing negativity. There’s a definite need to change the tape in my head. Could this new perspective be my purpose? If I am open to and aware of pieces of peace, grace, and love in my life, without worrying about producing change in the world, taking in whatever love comes my way, it’ll fill me and spill over. Enough? I’m gonna give it a try. Permission to relax, get out of my head, and see love. No need to prove my worth or construct purpose. Once again, I find myself at the foundation of my life, choosing to breathe and to stop judging myself. Let the good thinks roll.