The Best-Laid Plans…

Last week, I decided not to make daily plans because I was disappointing myself day after day. The intertwined difficulties of depression and fibromyalgia have brought me to a place I haven’t been to previously, my functioning impaired significantly for several months.

It’s now eight months since I collapsed under the weight of suicidal depression. I just completed my medication transition three weeks ago, and Dr. Liz made it clear it takes three weeks for these new meds to reach the neurotransmitters. All right, 21 days at therapeutic dose, so I decided today I would turn a new leaf, feel much better, shower, put on makeup, write a blog post on coping with chronic illness, and probably do some oil painting as art therapy.

Upon waking this morning, I was incredibly dizzy, and the more I move around, the more queasy I get. Currently, my to-do list features one item – take a shower.

A couple things come to mind. First, in addition to needing three weeks to reach the brain, I’ve been taught that medications for depression can take three to four months to level out consistently.. Also, even when those meds reach my brain and stabilize, I’ve still got fibromyalgia.

So, I’m not constructing a thoughtful post about my insights and experiences living with a chronic illness over years. This is the post I’m capable of today, Instead of feeling disappointed in myself, I’m just shaking my head at myself; someday maybe I’ll accept that I do not get to decide how I’m going to feel tomorrow.