SurvivingSara

Tag: depression

  • Don’t Should on Me

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    Sara Z
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    All day, every day, for all my adult life, I’ve been “should-ing” on myself. Whether I realized it or not, the tape was running in the background of my mind constantly. I should: Every day tasks became increasingly difficult as aches, pains, cramps, dizziness, and nausea took up residence. But I should… Even as my…

  • Desperately Seeking Pain Relief

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    Sara Z
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    I’m not a doctor, but I’ve been playing one in real life, my own, since I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2009. At the time, I was doing the doctor shuffle each year as my husband’s insurance through work changed carriers. When I finally settled on one, it happened to be one who based her…

  • An Alphabet Whirlwind

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    Sara Z
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    All the letters used to be under control in my head. Growing up, if I saw words, I could usually spell them correctly just like that. When I needed to work it out, looking up to the right would help me put it in context and come up with letters falling into place effortlessly. Truth…

  • My Small Life

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    Sara Z
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    Choosing to live my life graciously seems to escape my grasp. Each time I feel it at my fingertips, when a few days at a time occur where I believe I’ve established stability at a livable level, I’m optimistic that I can “make this life work and like it.” Then, I wake up only one…

  • After Careful Consideration…

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    Sara Z
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    46 years of research, exploration, and experience qualify me as my own best expert in fibromyalgia. Having to educate your primary physician in symptomotology (if they’re willing) is not unusual among fibro patients. Counseling is highly recommended and it’s been invaluable for me. One piece of advice I’ve heard and read about is the importance…

  • To Be or Not To Be… Disabled On Acceptance

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    Sara Z
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    It’s official. I’m disabled. I’d already actually accepted that I am, and then the Social Security Administration agreed. Following an initial application denial and written appeal by me, a hearing with an administrative law judge who denied my claim in record time, my attorney encouraged me to appeal higher, to a 3-judge panel. That panel…

  • Oh, The Places I’ll Go in 2024… In My Mind

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    Sara Z
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    Fibro controls so many things in my life, but not everything.

  • Mother

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    Sara Z
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    “About driving…I want to talk about that,” my mom said, as I settled myself next to her hospital bed in a position to clip her fingernails. “I can’t drive,” I replied. “Oh, you can too drive, Sara!” “Well, yes, I can physically get into our car and drive it but I’ve given up driving because…

  • I Want to Change My Thinking but I Don’t Know How

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    Sara Z
    in

    Am I bitter? Miserable? Dejected? Stuck? Right now I’m thinking I shouldn’t even write this because who wants to read someone who feels sorry for themself? I don’t want to be these things but I don’t know how to change. No need for memes to tell me how important it is that I face my…

  • In My Days

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    Sara Z
    in

    I’m alone in my days in sun and shadow longer than 24 it seems one behind another. The fog’s inside making familiar foreign slowing traffic hiding words. Holding tight tripping up falling more lying down. In my days light and dark staying still letting go.

  • Letting Go

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    Sara Z
    in

    Trigger warning: depression, suicidal thinking If you’re reading this, thanks for hanging out. I’m beginning again again. Opagque darkness has been visited upon me this past month, following a family upheaval. The spiral down was quick and steep, maybe because it’s so familiar. This time though, I got closer than I have ever been. On…

  • Who Dat?

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    Sara Z
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    Falling. Falling. Falling. Vertigo, loss of balance, leg weakness, trembling, tripping, collapsing, losing my place in space. Bumping, bruising, knocking, whacking, breaking. This past week, I got out of bed around midnight to use the bathroom. After taking a few steps and feeling unstable, I stood still. Planted both feet flat on the floor. Still,…

  • What Do I Owe?

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    Sara Z
    in

    Tough. Feeling rough. In my head, “I just don’t care. I’m over it, don’t want to do this.” For the record, I’m not thinking about ending my life. I don’t care enough about it to take action. At the end of September last, I was hopeful a medication change would provide some relief, even a…

  • Whoop, There It Is

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    Sara Z
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    Warning: This post includes discussion of suicide. If you need help, call 988 to speak with a mental health professional right now. This tattoo was a symbol of choosing life when I committed to my first real ink art in November of 2021. Suicidal ideation has been a close companion daily for many years, and…

  • This Is It

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    Sara Z
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    In some cases, the difficult questions do eventually cul-de-sac into answers, whether we like them or not. One of my most challenging quests has been to find relief for my fibromyalgia. Is there anything out there that will address the whole enchilada? The answer has become quite clear. No more wondering or searching. This chronic…

  • ‘We wake up and take the indicated action.’ 

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    Sara Z
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    Christina Applegate has multiple sclerosis. She’s had it for a while. In an article, (link below) she spoke briefly about her experience since being diagnosed. The quote above shares a perspective of one of her M.S. friends. “…It’s been a tough road. But as we all know, the road keeps going. Unless some a**hole blocks…

  • Searching for Peace

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    Sara Z
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    Caution: Frank discussion of suicide. If you need help, call 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline to speak to mental health professionals. She danced and traveled. She was an accomplished psychiatric nurse and author. A searcher, she was seeking answers, solutions, alternatives. She provided support, encouragement, friendship and love to more people than we’ll ever know.…

  • Ashley

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    Sara Z
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    Sensitive post w/discussion about suicide. My friend & fellow blogger, Ashley Peterson, isn’t with us anymore and I’m so damn sad. She befriended me in my early blog days three years ago. She (I don’t want to use past tense) was amazing. Her website is mentalhealthathome.org. She wrote posts and books, did movie reviews, shared…

  • Hopeless

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    Sara Z
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    After completing the difficult transition from one fibromyalgia medication to another, my doctor and I had a virtual follow-up appointment. I absolutely LOVE virtual visits from the comfort of my home. This one, though, was quite discouraging. I’d read that many people react to this new med right away but some take a few weeks…

  • Fibro & More Fibro

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    Sara Z
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    In the midst of transitioning from one fibromyalgia to another, I am feeling fibro. The fatigue is very heavy. Use of muscle relaxer and/or a med to take for nausea cause extra tiredness so, of late, I’m very reluctant to take either because it just lays me out. Not having much, if any, response to…