When I crossed the stage to receive my high school diploma, I stood 5’9″ and weighed about 110 pounds. I was able to eat as much as I wanted and not gain weight. I expected to be effortlessly thin all my life. Freshman year in college, my metabolism slowed down some. If I paid anyContinue reading “It’s only 20 pounds”
An epiphany just hit me upside the head. Being strong in my pain and limitations does not require I never speak of my circumstances or shed tears, only that my joy for the experiences and enthusiasm of others is not diminished. What a relief.
This. ☝️ The dental aesthetician who placed my filling displayed a complete inability to concretely empathize with the patient in her chair; today it was me. Water, a lot of it, comes pouring down my neck twice, and she doesn’t apologize or wipe it up. She laughed, “Oh, ya get a little water?” She leanedContinue reading “Rethinking My Plan”
Searching for a life purpose continues and it occurs to me that perhaps I’m not going to be able to jump from one complete and satisfying purpose to another. I certainly didn’t arrive at my first signpost without major destruction. If I could conjure one without all the fuss, that would be so much moreContinue reading “Tearing It Down”
For the past week, I was. Today, I am. When anxious, I remind myself that my purpose, for now, is just to be. Be. When pain visited, enduring or distraction were my choices. I didn’t try to figure out how it originated, wasn’t surprised, and didn’t keep track of the usual problems. Some new symptomsContinue reading “On Being”
What is my passion? In reading articles regarding developing a personal purpose, some recommend having a purpose that involves an individual’s passion. Maybe my passion is wanting to figure out a life purpose that doesn’t require much change on my part. 😉 Things I’m pondering in relation to identifying passion and purpose: Do I needContinue reading “Passion”
In the name of documenting my journey, the good and the bad, as I struggle to identify a purpose for this next chapter of life, this is another day hoping for progress towards a new purpose, renewed meaning. Two steps forward, 5 or 10 back. Very much on my mind that what’s on my mindContinue reading “Warts and All”
Purpose (def): the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists. Purpose creates meaning, offers a sense of direction and helps guide our paths, behavior, and goals. Purpose according to Google: Live and let live. (I think it’s hilarious that one can ask google what the purpose of life is,Continue reading “The Purpose of Life”
My earliest desperate search for a life purpose or meaning, for which I could do great things, repeatedly and resoundingly hit a brick wall. The graffiti on that wall said, “breathe.” It took me a few years to understand that I actually had received my answer. All I needed to do was breathe. No bigContinue reading “A New Way”
Reviewing methods of suicide, each has it’s own difficulty. All who know me well would understand if I chose not to bear the pain for the next decades. It truly is up to me. My new focus is finding purpose for this next chapter in my life. Until I discover what that is, I’ll doContinue reading “Opting In”
That phrase bugs the shit out of me. Yeah, please do. Be honest. Was everything before just bullshit? Are you letting me know that you’re not always telling me the truth? In the best light possible, it can mean you keep some things to yourself but, since someone asked, now you’ll say what you reallyContinue reading “If I’m Honest”
If I speak, will you hear me? Will you listen? Are you able to consider what I say before you react or are you already forming your response before I finish sharing my opinion? Is this a conversation, going both ways, or are you just sharing your news and conclusions, glossing over what I mightContinue reading “That’s What I Just Said!”
Today has been a terrible pain day. I have chronic inflammation of the soft tissues of the ribcage and sternum, which is where you find the nerves. It hurts to breathe. I can’t find the right way to describe the pain along the bottom of the ribs but the first time I had it IContinue reading “Nowhere to Hide”
In any given circumstance, the only thing we can actually control is our perspective. Any person can view a rainy day as gloomy, considering it bad weather, or embrace the chance to curl up and binge watch a new series. Mostly stuck in bed with chronic pain, fatigue, and illness, I’m experiencing great difficulty changingContinue reading “This or That?”
After watching nearly all of the trial and with the jurors working toward the verdict, I felt certain the only decision possible was guilty. Been there before, though. More than once. Waiting on pins and needles with millions, I was afraid to hope for justice. I joined in the collective sigh across the nation, maybeContinue reading “What Have We Wrought?”
More than once I’ve followed my thoughts down rabbit holes recently and landed on the idea that I should probably see a counselor to help me adjust to having a chronic illness. I should do yoga and meditate. I should spend less time on my tablet and do something more productive with that time. ButContinue reading “I Should”
Two years ago today, I lost my dad. In the aftermath of the ICU, medical noise, and decisionmaking, we had a small gathering to honor him. I put together several of the multi photo displays, one each for his childhood, young family and work life, and the rest of his years. Many 8 x 10Continue reading “Invictus”
I can only do what I can do. Sometimes that’s breathing. It doesn’t feel like enough. Hope I’m up for gardening this spring.
I will find a new way to weave love and compassion into the tapestry of life that works in my current circumstances. I will go outside for at least a few minutes every day, no excuses. Even if it’s just out my slider onto the deck, breathing fresh air is good for so many things.Continue reading “I Will”
Recovering from a dark day, I wanted to share that in the midst of my sorrow, the 100th person followed my blog. This is something I’ve been looking forward to since the 85th. 101 and 102 have followed too. This was a light for me yesterday and I’m very grateful.