Good Grief

If someone who’s loved dies, who qualifies to grieve? Is grief only for devastating, unexpected loss? Or reserved for tragedy that takes a young person too early? If an elderly person dies, do their loved ones have a limit to how long or deep their grief?

Dictionary Data from Oxford Languages

grief [ɡrēf]

grief (noun)

1. deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death:”she was overcome with grief” Similar: sorrow misery sadness anguish pain distress agony torment affliction suffering heartache heartbreakbroken-heartedness woe desolation despondency dejection despair angst mortification mourning mournfulness bereavement lamentation lament remorse regret pining dolor dole

So, who deserves to grieve, how deeply and for how long? Yes, I’m 59 and my mother was 85. Yes, I knew she was going to die; it wasn’t a surprise. Yes, I was able to hold her hand and say goodbye the day before she passed.

After a lifetime of a close, loving family, the course of mom’s illness tore up more than her body. She didn’t have dementia but anger took hold in the months before she died. Personality changes are common in elderly and dying people. When you hear about this, it sounds like it would be obvious that changes have taken place and loved ones could adapt, understanding that it’s not personal. In my experience, though, I was surprised by mom unloading on me about her insights on my life and the chronic illness/pain from which I suffer. I won’t go into all the details because I did go into it on an earlier post. Needless to say, the conflict threw me for a loop. I was confused, hurt, dumbfounded.

For the last five months of her life, then, our relationship was awkward and stilted. I had been visiting weekly, which was the case for more than a year, and then changed to biweekly because it wrecked me. Then, her condition deteriorated considerably and it became clear she’d begun dying. Not that day or week, but it was coming and she was fading. Visits increased to weekly and I made sure she had fresh flowers from her birthday last November through her death in March.

My mom died three weeks ago, and so many feelings have swirled inside since. I hang out on reddit some, visiting different subs and commenting occasionally. Just a few days after her passing, while I was still belted in on the rollercoaster of emotions, I decided to post on the grief sub. I discussed what led up to my mom dying and how conflicted I’d been in her final months. All I can say is, “Wow.” One after another, several people who responded did so with a condescending or sneering swipe about how I’m 59 and she was 85, so why are you even posting on here? I was stunned. Then finally, one woman posted that she understands there is sadness following the death of a loved one but that I was so fortunate to have had such a long time with her.

Now, I’d never visited the grief sub before I posted. Maybe it’s for people who lost their child or an unexpected death of someone in the prime of life. I understand that those losses are devastating and life-changing. However, I was experiencing very confusing thoughts and emotions following the death of my mom. It got me thinking whether my bundle of emotions was unimportant, even offensive. I still can’t quite wrap my mind around the venom I encountered on r/grief. I thought grief was for everyone.