I had three really good days. Then I caught the crud my husband had. Fever, body aches and cough. Wish I had gotten the flu shot. My fever is going up daily. I know my immune system is compromised from the extreme depression. This is very reminiscent of 2009, getting viral overload and ending upContinue reading “Journal (not sure of the date)”
I had a few really good days and now I’m sick. I’m determined to get better, but it does make me nervous that, in past episodes of major depression, once I’ve gotten lifted up a bit I’ve been hit with illnesses or circumstances that have dragged me back down. I have a couple more chaptersContinue reading “Journal 1/22”
In this chapter, I describe my second major depressive episode and beginning treatment with Dr. Liz. It’s available now under Chapters of My Life.
I’m actually in a good mood! I feel like maybe I’ve turned a corner, but I’ve felt like that previously. It also occurs to me that if you turn enough corners, you are going in circles. Going to enjoy this good mood though. I’ve spent the past four days in bed. Yesterday, I told myContinue reading “Journal 1/18”
I feel rested. I’m not tearful. I’m grateful for a sunny, blue sky. I am hopeful but nervous. This has been such a rollercoaster ride.
I’ve just posted the next chapter of my life in which I discuss my first episode of major clinical depression. As I wrapped it up, I realized it’s only been seven weeks since I was acutely suicidal, and I need to be patient with myself.
I feel weary and pathetic. I worked the past two days, choking on tears to keep them at bay. Last night, when I got off work, I sobbed from the deepest part of myself for an hour. One of my best friends texted to see how I was doing, so I called and she talkedContinue reading “Journal 1/14”
Difficult day, hard to get through work. Molehills look like mountains and I overreact to family issues. Dr. Liz likened the process of recovering from major depression to being in labor and compared working while recovering to walking around during hard labor. She said she’s trying to get me through as quickly as she canContinue reading “Journal 1/12”
Saw Dr. Liz today. I’ve been tracking my mood one to ten. It’s been mostly fives and sixes with a couple fours. I’m really feeling wiped out. So glad to have a few days off. Dr. Liz says I’m right where I should be in this healing process- and it’s to be expected that I’mContinue reading “Journal January 10”
I’ve published the third chapter about my background. This chapter covers my first experiences with anxiety and mild depression. The next chapter will be about my first major depressive episode. I took some time to read other blogs. Mine looks plain next to those I saw, but I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing.Continue reading “Chapter Three – Early Days”
Today is my third consecutive day of work. I’m going to walk through this day, but I’m so tired. I thought about skipping applying make-up, but then decided to follow my own advice to myself. I’m near tears but I’m breathing and I think I can do this. Another symptom of depression/anxiety I get reallyContinue reading “Journal 1/8/20”
Unfortunately, I feel like I’m getting worse instead of better. I called Dr. Liz. She said I’m having a relapse. I thought to myself, “How can I have a f**king relapse when I really only felt okay for about a week?” I guess it’s not uncommon. In the past, my recoveries from major depression episodesContinue reading “Journal 1/2/20”
I found a couple of journal entries I missed. At first I thought I’d just skip them, but then I thought it’s pretty illustrative of how hard it is for me to keep my ducks in a row when I’m depressed. So, I’m adding them out of order. As written on 12/29: I feel overwhelmedContinue reading “Journal 12/29”
In chapter two, I describe in detail what depression feels like for me. The next chapter will probably not be published until I have a day off. I welcome feedback about how I’ve structured my blog and recommendations for changes.
Being new to blogging, I now realize publishing chapters on a separate page may not be the most effective way to share them. When I add a chapter, I’ll put up a post describing what the chapter is about and providing a place for comments or questions. In chapter one, I describe the shorter versionContinue reading “Chapter One”
Worked today and will work the next two days. Three days in a row probably doesn’t sound like much to most people, but it’s my first three day stretch since my leave of absence. It occurred to me this morning that people who’ve lost a loved one to a brain aneurysm might be really offendedContinue reading “Journal 1/6 – Taking care of yourself”
I got my blog up and running over the past two days. I’m energized by the process, which is something I can really use right now. I saw Dr. Liz on Friday. I told her I felt like I was getting worse instead of better. She said that’s not uncommon but she’s confident I willContinue reading “Journal 1/5/20”
I feel dizzy and weak. I’m trying not to be suicidal, so instead I’m wishing for a brain aneurysm or a terminal illness.
That second day of work really kicked my ass. I spent several hours helping in the busiest part of our company, and by the end of the day I was anxious and near tears, but I held on. I rested on Christmas Eve day. On Christmas Day, we took things at a relaxed pace inContinue reading “Journal 12/27”
My writing is in a notebook currently and I’ve mixed journal entries and chapters. I just realized I’d failed to include the complete entry for 12/10, so here it is. My husband opened up to a friend about what he’s been going through. I asked if he’d told everything. He said, “Yeah, the whole thing.Continue reading “Journal 12/10 part two”