Note to Selves

To my high school self, class of 1982: You are enough. Even though your next older sister is a gorgeous cheerleader and model and you get so tired of hearing about it but, girl, you are so pretty. Only difference is she went to modeling school and you didn’t. Guys who compare you to her are dirtbags and shouldn’t get another date.

While you are incredibly smart and school comes easily, book smarts aren’t the be all, end all you think they are. High I.Q. is only one beneficial trait people can have. Common sense, street smarts, musical and artistic skills, mechanical and organizational strengths, the ability to see things from a different perspective than most, etc. Most everyone has an important contribution to the big picture. Be confident? Yes. Define yourself as smart? Nah, develop yourself in other areas, experiment with a variety of interests.

Lastly, early 80’s Sara, I’m the only one who’s going to tell you, you are immature. It’s fun to be spontaneous, funny, and occasionally outrageous, but self-control is a muscle that needs to be used to develop. This will serve you well in the future. Maturity isn’t boring; it’s strength of character.

To undergrad Sara, class of 1986, you are enough. You’re good to go, having a great time and finishing in four years.

Oh, Southern California Sara ’86 to ’93. Holy shit, I have some things to say. This is where the maturity you were developing in college would have served you well, but something about “California” signaled to your brain that most anything goes. And, to some degree, that’s true and you’ll immediately be immersed in a desert school district with an ex-nun principal and Australian biker vice-principal who are having an affair with each other and whom the community completely support. Trips to Venice Beach, Hollywood, Vegas and Tijuana will further stretch the borders of your comfort zone. Being in So Cal with all the fast cars and beautiful people may cause you to feel insecure, but you are enough. What a great way to spend your 20’s but, yeah, that self-control thing. You could avoid some bad or risky choices if practiced. This would lead to maturity rather than having it smack you upside the head all at once when you have babies.

To Mommy Me: Slow down. Don’t take on so many activities with the school, sports teams and church, which can go from attending regularly to joining committees and small groups where you end up away from your family for several days a week. You’ll have enough going on with being mom of two young sons born 19 months apart. You are resourceful, organized, determined and, yes, mature in your approach to parenting and being a stay-at-home mom with great results, not that the path is smooth. You are enough. You don’t know it yet, but you have fibromyalgia, which explains the myriad weird symptoms that have appeared since high school.

To Fibro Sara: Yes, all the weird shit you’ve experienced since high school ARE connected. It’s not one thing after another; it’s all one long thing. The limitations these issues and symptoms will have an effect on what you’re able to do now. You’re in your 40’s and boys are both in school and it’s okay not keep up the pace. You’re enough. Not gonna lie; this is going to be a really rough rode. Those core strengthening exercises given to you by several physical therapists really will benefit you if you make them a habit instead of addressing periodic, acute injuries and surgeries. I can’t stress this enough. About the boys, keep on keeping on, setting boundaries and following through with consequences. You are blessed with funny, crazy, busy, smart, self-motivated young guys – but you have no idea what they’re up to when you don’t have eyeballs on them, which is probably just as well. Many times you find out after and deal with it then. They are boys, celebrate!

And then, Fibro Sara, the layers of your life will peel away one by one no matter how hard you resist, sad to say. This does not make you less of a person. I won’t bore or alarm you with the shitty details; they’ll be fucked up enough when you go through them. You are still you. Yes, Sara, you are enough.