I Surrender

As the mom of two sons and no daughters, I now officially give up on Mother’s Day. I’ve been waiting for an unexpected, sweet celebration for 26 years. I’m a slow learner.

In the early years, I was so excited! Would there be flowers? An outing as a family? It went without saying that my first Mother’s Day was worthy of celebration, no? Uh, not so much. Then, another baby 18 months after the first would really kick in the Mother’s Day spirit, right? Thus began my annual visit to the valley of Mother’s Day disappointment.

Some people say, “You’re not my mother.” “My mom lives 1,000 miles away.” “Yes, you’re the mother of my children, and I appreciate all you do.” “I don’t know. What do you want to do?”

Following 11 or 12 years of let down, even after not-so-subtle hints. I began my own tradition. The rule of thumb in our area is that weather doesn’t allow for planting annuals until Mother’s Day, so my husband and I would shop for flowers and plant them in our pots and flowerbeds. Beautiful way to spend the day, the boys could “help,” and my husband would grill burgers in the evening. Done and done! As our planting became more ambitious, we started shopping on Saturday, planting on Sunday. I loved it.

Our sons grew older, chronic illness and pain stole my ability to participate, first in the planting and then shopping, and we cut way back on the quantity of annuals to decorate our yard and deck. My husband scaled back to the original flowerpots, but still filled them on Mother’s Day. I encouraged planting more perennials. We returned to, “What do you want me to make for dinner?” I remember specifically saying, “All I want for dinner is to not have to decide what’s for dinner.”

Enter my mother-in-law. I mean, really enter, as in move into our basement, which was traumatizing for me. (For all the gory details, look for past posts that include “Ramblings” in the title. That’s the secret code.) Last year, her first Mother’s Day here, my husband didn’t commit to shopping and planting flowers. He made plans to do some things for his mom and take her out to eat. Of course, he’d celebrate his mom when they’re together for the first time in 30 years. Why was I reacting so negatively?

My hard-fought battle for our Mother’s Day tradition was over. This year confirms I need to finally give up any expectations. My adult sons would be the ones to step up and let me know how much they appreciate all I am to them. They’re in their mid 20’s. Even my very thoughtful younger son, who remembers birthdays and anniversaries, doesn’t seem to have Mother’s Day on his calendar.

I really look forward to celebrating any daughter-in-laws who come along and have children (their own or with my son). There will be fresh flowers, brunch, and appreciation on whatever day works for them, if grandkids are in the cards someday.

My kids love me and they know how much I love them. My husband is really happy that I’m the mother of his children. My mother-in-law must’ve done something right because I really love my husband, he loves me, and he takes care of both of us.

Expectations met or not for you today, I wish you a Happy Mother’s Day. Whether birthed, adopted, or stepkids, you’ve worked hard every single day whether you felt up to it or not. You are appreciated by society for not letting your children run wild, hopefully even providing the community with a productive, respectful member. Thank you.