Plans, goals, attitude, expectations. Pep talk to self in an effort to spur motivation and commitment. Judging my daily abilities against an aspirational mental picture. Comparing achievements of others with my own sad state of affairs. Suspiciously evaluating my behaviors, or lack thereof, for honest effort versus laziness.
And then, I spend a terribly painful night, sharp shooting neurological messages traveling down my right leg, which is the “good” one, as well as deep aching in my jaw and cramping in my mid back. Awake intermittently through the dark hours, trying desperately to find a position to ease the symptoms, which is futile because there is no direct physical cause. Knowing this but struggling anyway because there’s nothing else to be done. Over-the-counter analgesics don’t make a dent.
And then, the best laid plans are set aside. I’m exhausted and still experiencing awful pain down my leg. I’m unable to do anything today.
And then, I tell myself it’s not important if I set goals, motivate myself, and seek a purpose. It’s all for nothing.
SurvivingSara 