This Moment

I’m in trouble. Fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, I don’t want to live this life for 20-30 years more. My husband would be free of my baggage. But I want to be at my sons’ weddings and be a grandma. I have a plan and the things I would need. I don’t want to call anyone. I’ve been crying for hours. This post is in lieu of calling a friend. I know if I call I won’t go through with it. I could tweet about it and Twitter friends would respond for sure. I’m just don’t want this. What’s the point? I didn’t want to die from COVID because I’ve been through bilateral pneumonia with lung biopsy, nearly died. So painful. But this way I’d just go to sleep. I think I will be considering suicide for the rest of my life, whether that’s one day or 30 years. I know my family would be sad but not surprised in the least.

I’m not going to do it today. Going to stop visualizing it. My sons. I’m just going to draw totally inside myself. I have professional help, and I’ll be seeing him.

My purpose used to be weaving love and compassion into the tapestry of life. I don’t weave anymore.