Flowers for Sara

Many blog readers are probably too young to remember “Flowers for Algernon.” It’s a book frequently assigned to English class back in the day. Later, there was a movie. I haven’t read it in years and years but, paraphrasing, a man with a low IQ receives a “miracle” drug that has shown amazing results with increasing intelligence in mice. Day by day, the man does get sharper and understanding develops. He realizes how impaired he’d been before the treatment and cares for the mouse named Algernon which had received it first. Devastatingly, the mouse’s intelligence begins to degrade and the man knows that will be his outcome also; he’ll return to the same IQ level he’d had in the beginning.

I began life with a great IQ and used it to my advantage in education and experience in my field. After earning a B.A. in Education and a M.S. in counseling, I worked as an elementary school teacher, instructed adults in child development and behavior management, served in the role of public educator working with high-risk parents and became the program director of a crisis nursery. Eventually, after having two sons, I worked from home doing books for my husband’s small business and took a course in medical transcription, which I did for 10 years. My last few years in the workforce were as a substitute teacher, which I loved, and then caring for plants in a garden center.

Sadly, the decades of fibromyalgia had taken their toll and I was no longer able to work. In my mind, the physical pain was too overwhelming for me to move through the day. My attendance was not good because of needing to call in or leave early frequently, The application process for disability took four years of appeals and hearings, during which time my health continued to deteriorate, but I was eventually approved. The day I received notice is etched in my mind because it was the same day my mother passed away. Yes, I was happy to have been approved but was devastated to learn that the multiple professionals involved in evaluating my case found there were no jobs for me because of my cognitive decline.

According to them, I was not fit to interact with the public, multitask, perform more than simple tasks, follow instructions, make decisions, etc. Now, I knew my cognition had suffered. I’d quit driving because I couldn’t take in all the stimuli in traffic and react well. The last day I drove I had a very near miss “out of nowhere.” Previously, I’d scared myself driving by not seeing a stop sign or getting confused at traffic lights; this time I really nearly caused a full-blown collision. I was unable to read without getting distracted, having to re-read and re-read the same passages or sentences. My short-term memory is horrible, losing track in conversations and in the midst of tasks.

Since receiving the Social Security Disability board’s decision, my cognition has continued to falter. This may be my last blog entry because I have no ideas or motivation, and writing takes a concerted effort I have difficulty mustering. Watching myself lose my cognitive abilities is heart wrenching. Initially, I found it interesting seeing things with a different perspective. There’s nothing good about it now. It’s serious and sad.

p.s. Thanks for being such a faithful reader, Vanessa.