An Alphabet Whirlwind

All the letters used to be under control in my head. Growing up, if I saw words, I could usually spell them correctly just like that. When I needed to work it out, looking up to the right would help me put it in context and come up with letters falling into place effortlessly.

Truth be told, in sixth grade I came in second in the school spelling bee – did mustache end with an e or not? I don’t think I’d seen the word and guessed wrongly. My friends were so surprised, telling everyone on the playground I should’ve won. I was that annoying kid in class who always got 100% on spelling tests, so much so that the teacher let me give the test while she did paperwork at her desk. Mrs. Westover.

It’s probably similar to people who can hear a song once and play it or see a dance and perform it. Spelling was my thing. It served me very well through college, as an educator, and especially as a medical transcriptionist. It was so easy for me that I wondered how some people could have such a hard time. I took it for granted.

Then, my special ability left me. It started slowly, just a hint here and there that all those alphabet cylinders were not firing at peak performance. It was understandable, I told myself. It’s pretty much been stressful life events one after another since just before the pandemic. As things have finally calmed down (knock wood) over the past 10 months, there hasn’t been a corresponding improvement. Quite the opposite has happened.

Instead of falling into place where they belong, the letters exploded! They swirl past and I wonder whether a particular word uses this one or that, i or e, double g’s? The word looks odd, is it right? I think it’s right, but maybe not. I’ve spelled this word hundreds of times and now I get it wrong. Basic, everyday words. Writing a blog takes a long time as I struggle to come up with a word or phrase followed by spelling it. Yeah, there’s spellcheck but I might have trouble even getting into the right neighborhood, so atrocious (I still got that one! haha) has my ability become.

After 45 years, I still struggle to accept having fibromyalgia; I can’t even figure out what that means, really. Qualifying for disability because of cognitive deficits? What??? It fucking sucks everyday. This spelling jam I’ve gotten into? So easy to accept because it slaps me in the face so frequently. When it began, I was frustrated beyond belief. It had to be temporary. Now it’s time to look up even words I thought familiar.

I sure miss spelling easily, but I 100% understand having trouble. It’s like wearing one pair of glasses for most of your life and now they’re gone, broken. Yes, it’s a pain in the ass, but my curious mind thinks it’s kinda cool to put on someone else’s glasses, a new and different experience.

p.s. I kid you not. Spellcheck found I misspelled ‘mustache!’ I added an o – moustache. I googled and saw that both spellings are correct. Mustache is used in the U.S. and moustache is used in other English-speaking countries. The confusion is not just mine. haha