Ein Jahr

Well, it’s been a year since my German mother-in-law moved in with us. I wrote a few posts in the summer of ’22 describing my dread. There are many reasons why I thought my home would be rocked by the new roommate, and the tears I shed would’ve filled many steins.

Here we are in September of 2023, time to look back at how it’s been and how it’s going. Initially, there was much stress around the quantity of my mother-in-law’s possessions. I didn’t like her “stuff” pushing out my craft room and filling the garage so our car has since been parked outside. Had I imagined her lifetime of belongings were going to be tucked away out of sight?

Between my mother-in-law arriving and my en suite being remodeled, very slowly, there was a whirlwind of to-do lists swirling around my husband’s head. I couldn’t help myself from pressuring him to work on my bathroom to prove his allegiance to me over her. I know, petty. Why couldn’t I just put my project on pause until my MIL was settled? Because depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia have emptied me of confidence.

Autumn of 2022 was crowded in more ways than one. The sound of my mother-in-law’s voice grated, and still does, on my nerves viscerally. I saw her pleasantness as fake, drawing on my 30+ years of experiences with her. Many times, I’ve seen her put on a weak smile and suffer through an encounter, only to share what she really thinks later. I can’t recall an extended period of time spent with her when she hasn’t acted or spoken negatively or uncaringly.

Eventually, things quieted down for the winter. I accepted that the entire daylight basement is my mother-in-law’s space. As my husband pointed out repeatedly, I never go downstairs, because I have serious balance issues and a perpetually injured ankle, and I wouldn’t see or be bothered by what she did in the family room. She does pay rent and she’s making home improvements. Wolf and I had always discussed wanting to install a wet bar or kitchenette in the large family room but other projects or problems took priority. My mother-in-law purchased a cupboard/sink setup and we’re paying for plumbing and electrical work. Family room wetbar is happening. This seriously improves our home’s value.

Come springtime, when the roads were free of snow and ice, I appreciated rides to appointments, provided by my mother-in-law. The sun came out and green leaves filled the dark, empty branches. We fell into a rhythm whereby she and I rarely spoke to or saw each other, not in snarky avoidance but just introverts in our own spaces. It’s been a year and my husband just got to working on the garage this past weekend, wanting to get it cleared in order to get our car out of the coming weather.

The situation is working itself out as well as it could, so why am I still so irritated? I continue to feel negatively about her as well as her living in my home. Afraid it says more about me than her, but I just can’t forget who she’s shown herself to be over the past three decades and accept that this version is for real. What if I do fully believe in this agreeable persona? First of all, I don’t know what she’s carrying on about with my husband when they’re together or what she’s reporting to her sister in Germany. Secondly, if this is authentic, she could’ve behaved this way for all these years!

Surely, (don’t call me Shirley) it says more about me than her that I’m still stuck on how I know her. Under the surface, I suspect she still says mean-spirited, offensive remarks, but now to her sister, in German. If someone shows you who they are for years and years, do you dismiss that because there hasn’t been a blow up yet where she says what she’s really thinking?

Then…, she drove me to an appointment last week. As we drove through a residential neighborhood, some kids were walking home from school. One girl waited on a corner for us to pass so she could cross the street. My mother-in-law stopped and allowed the girl, who happened to be wearing a hijab, to proceed. She said, “I had to stop for her.” I answered, “Yeah, because she’s in a crosswalk,” though I sensed where she was going with this. “No, she wasn’t in a real crosswalk. Because she’s ‘moozlum.’ If I didn’t let her cross, who knows? Somebody could come after us.” My response was to tell her, “That is nonsense.” My mother-in-law said, “Well, you never know.”

I do know who she is and, while I will be pleasant and make the most of the living situation in which we find ourselves, I trust my instincts. Does that make me the phony?