Stirred Up & Inside Out

Photo by Sora Shimazaki on

I’m standing at the kitchen counter cutting up an old credit card. My 24-year-old son is at the dining room table, working from home. He asks, “Do you need help?” I reply, “Me?” He says, “Yeah, it looks like you’re struggling.” To which I say, “I’m always struggling.” Good chuckle.

Brain isn’t working, hasn’t been for a few days. I start the Keurig with nothing to catch the coffee. I put it on too many ounces and have an overflow. My fingernails are a mess. I don’t chew them but they’re picked apart at the cuticles. There’s that pain when you tear off a sliver of fingernail or skin. I don’t usually mess with them. Stress is making itself known on the outside. Apologies for any typos.

Judge denied my disability claim. At least the decision came fast, very fast. She said six to eight weeks, but here it is only 11 days since. I think she made her mind up before the hearing even started. My attorney said we should definitely appeal because he sees errors the judge made. The council of appeals will look through the case and the judge’s statement. If they agree there are errors, I’ll have a new hearing with the SAME judge, so she has a chance to remedy them. Whatever. We won’t know for about a year whether or not I get another chance. I’m just going to pretend it’s over.

A constant ache reminds me stress is in my head, while nausea, vertigo, and brain fog are intense these past few weeks, reminding me the stress is throughout. I remind myself there is no current threat, no need for flight, fight, or freeze. Breathe.

Bathroom remodels continue. I’m getting more and more excited about how wonderful will be my new loo. The basement bathroom project is going much faster because it took a while for my tile to get to town. Pictures of the finished rooms will be posted, for sure. They’ll probably get their own entry.

My mother-in-law sold her house and will be moving in our home during the early days of September. I don’t feel stressed about it, so much as resigned. I have no capacity left to fret over more issues I can’t control.

Published by Sara Z

Writing is one of my passions. Most blog entries are relatively short articles regarding a wide variety of topics. I'm a middle-aged wife and mother of two adult sons. I've been a teacher, counselor, medical transcriptionist, student teacher supervisor, substitute teacher and retail clerk. Staying home now due to fibromyalgia. Seeking purpose.

2 thoughts on “Stirred Up & Inside Out

  1. That’s such bullshit about the disability claim. Maybe at some point technology will come up with a way to let people like judges and medical “experts” spend an hour experiencing what it’s like for someone with a disability. After 5 minutes they’d probably be screaming “You’re approved! Just make it stop already!”

    Liked by 1 person

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