Parent is Also a Verb 12/16/24

Your child needs you to be the parent, not a friend.

Of course, this meme is an exaggeration of a valid point. A parent does not need to be a diligent detective on 24/7, looking for lies or mistakes. In fact, that would be counterproductive to raising an independent adult who makes decisions based on what’s in their best interest. Neither is it helpful to be your child’s friend. Let’s explore how and why to establish a healthy balance.

In the early years, birth to six, a parent’s primary role is to assist little ones as they progress through stages on their own schedule. Providing instruction and guidance in a positive way will continue throughout the process of childrearing, though adapted as age-appropriate. Yes, a child needs discipline but that’s often confused with punishment.

The word discipline is derived from the Latin word disciplina, meaning “instruction and training”. It is also related to the word discere, meaning “to learn”². (Miriam Webster) Discipline can mean the act of teaching, learning, or following rules or a code of behavior. Notice there is no reference to punishing someone.

So, if punitive measures are not what separates parenting from friendship, what does? Boundaries – for you and them. These are fairly easy to implement in the youngest years, if you first educate yourself a bit on child development from birth to five years. Key to instructing and guiding is knowing what’s been clinically proven over and over again to be appropriate ages and stages.

In my capacity as program director of a crisis nursery, where parents can bring their child(ren) six or younger for up to 72 hours in order to provide relief to stressed-out, spread-thin moms, dad, or guardians, it was sometimes quite distressing to hear adults express frustrations toward a child, typically including unrealistic expectations. Frequently, parents think the only option to them for correcting behavior involves some kind of punishment. Some choose the opposite, not setting boundaries because it’s “easier.” I’ve heard moms say their three-year-old is their best friend. This isn’t a healthy dynamic and it won’t be “easier” in the long run. We’ve all seen kids raised by parents who choose to look the other way or even defend their child when they’ve done something wrong. Educating yourself on what to expect as your child grows is a first step in active parenting.

The idea of being friends with your child occurs more frequently when the kids reach age six or older. That sort of distortion develops over common interests like sports, video games, music, shopping, and drive-thrus at coffee shops. Drive-thru coffee drinks??? What the hell am I talking about? It’s just an example of the social habits around which it’s easy to be friends. Perhaps without noticing, a parent can enjoy having someone to talk and hang out with, i.e., a friend, rather than having to maintain a healthy distance that makes it possible for the adult to look at a situation more objectively, accepting you’re still biased toward them to some degree and should advocate for them when it’s a battle worth fighting. A child has to learn how to accept responsibility and consequences, hopefully before it’s a zinger, as they grow up and develop as their own person.

And, my point? Think about your friends. Do you edit your comments, leaving things unsaid to avoid hurt feelings? Do you share details of your life, maybe even things you don’t share with your partner? Do you instruct them in the ways you think are correct? Do you have their backs even when they’ve done or said something ridiculous?

The boundaries you have in your friend relationships are probably very different than those present in a healthy parent-child relationship, and they should be. What’s your opinion about a child hearing the ins and outs of an adult’s life? Should kids hear about adult topics and problems? Many, many families go through difficult financial and relationship times and those are soooo stressful. When we were broke, which wasn’t as bad as some have it, our kids knew we weren’t doing extras. Our vacations were camping, while some of their peers were going on expensive trips. We almost always ate at home; restaurants were reserved for special occasions. They knew we couldn’t afford many of the things that were common among schoolmates, but I didn’t let them see me cry when I worried my husband might lose his job in 2008. That’s too heavy a weight to place on their shoulders. It was hard enough for my own 44-year-old self with a graduate degree and lots of life experiences under my belt.

And Lord save the children who are used as friends or “sounding boards” for parents going through a divorce. They should never be subjected to hearing either side’s thoughts on the person they’re uncoupling from or becoming a pawn or go-between messenger. Again, the pain endured when a partnership is broken is life altering for all involved but an adult shouldn’t add to a child’s burden with their own. If a friendship has already developed, it’s easy to slip into oversharing.

Imagine when the child grows into puberty and the teen years. Being your child’s friend is particularly damaging during these developmental years. While the kids need boundaries as much as ever, they will push against them and protest. Setting curfews and acceptable grade averages are basics as well as expecting contributions to the home and family. These are very important, as are consequences for not meeting their responsibilities. Though they will protest, kids respond well when provided guardrails in life. A new driver has to learn the rules of the road and stay within them in order to travel in traffic.

If a parent decides or slides into a friend role because it’s more “fun” or easier than enforcing limits, the child will grow up thinking it’s appropriate to behave anyway they desire, knowing their “best friend” will back them up if confronted by authority in the form of a teacher, principal, boss, or law enforcement officer. A kid who other parents dread being in their own child’s class or on the same youth league team? many of those children have not been provided with reasonable, consistent boundaries by a parent or guardian, outside of dealing with a more serious issue. The downside of unquestioningly backing up your “friend” is the child getting slapped upside the head by a messy, reality check down the line with no understanding of how to navigate.

It is, without a doubt, each parent’s responsibility to know their kids, not looking away so as to avoid unpleasantness, and participate in their lives as a loving, fun, listening, laughing, interested authority figure in order to provide healthy, fertile ground for their children on which they can build their own lives, separate from moms or dads.

Sara’s education and experience: B.A. Ed; M.S. Counseling; teacher grades K & 2/3, educator for childcare providers, training in Positive Discipline and Growing, parent educator, program director of crisis nursery, including parent support, staff management & training, stay home mom 16 years with two sons born 19 months apart, medical transcription for 10 years in order to stay home, substitute teacher grades K through 12. Blogs about a wide variety of topics on survivingsara.net.