Parent is Also a Verb (11/27/24)

Growing kids up – What’s the goal?

On TV just now, a mother said, “I just want my kids to be happy.” This strikes a nerve, similar to parents being friends with their children. Parents should definitely not be friends with their kids. More about that another time.

What about the end game for parenting? Of course, you’re a parent forever and at some point, when they’re independent of you, you may get to be their friend. As they mature from infants to late teens/early twenties, what do you want most for them? This is different from the hopes you have. You may think it would be wonderful if your child pursued a sport or musical path based on your interests or what you perceive as their young strengths. Some people hope their children will not move too far away when they grow up. Perhaps a mom or dad really wants their child to earn a good living. Are these the goals of parenthood?

The focus of your parenting adventure is what you require of yourself, without which you would consider yourself unsuccessful. Now, in some cases, people do everything they can to parent well and still their child goes down a path of addiction or abuse. Aside from that, how will you measure your work?

If your goal for your sons and daughters is an external reward, a high-paying career, achievement in academic honors, first chair in an orchestra, or marrying and having children; why is that most important? When this young adult goes out into the world without you, how well will they be equipped?

Parenting involves providing opportunities for your child to grow and develop. How will a child’s character be affected by being guided to and expected to perform in specific and particular ways? What is the alternative if children don’t live up to those expectations? Are they losers? Any number of factors beyond control can disrail the pursuit of acceptance at an Ivy League university, passing the bar exam, or becoming married and having children in an earlier timeline than they find their life unfolding?

What are the core values you have that will assist your grown child as they face trials and tribulations? Do they know there will definitely be challenges? Have they seen you deal with difficult situations in a constructive way? Have they had the opportunity to feel the consequences of mistakes and bad decisions?

My parents worked to instill the importance of honesty, hard work, and being there for your family and friends. They modeled these and reinforced them when opportunities arose in context. However, there were no discussions about money, religion, or politics because those were considered private matters. My mom and dad also did not argue with each other while we children were present. Ever.

What did I learn and how did it inform my own parenting? Unfortunately, as the youngest child whose older sisters were very-well behaved, I had a poor work ethic and I lied with aplomb. Just sayin’. I thought it was the end of the world when I finally did encounter major disagreements in intimate relationships. Worst of all, I was a mess with my money when I finally made some after college. A budget? Making my once-a-month paycheck cover the pay period? I was, most definitely, not well-prepared for adulthood. Yes, I had a degree and a position in my chosen profession but not the tools for independent daily living.

With my own children, two sons, the most important thing I did was to let them feel the weight of real life consequences of their bad choices. They were just a grade apart and were definitely mischiefmakers; I had no illusions. Fortunately, I worked from home doing medical transcription, so when the school office called, I could be there in 10-15 minutes, whether sick or in trouble.

One particular call was from the principal of the middle school himself. He requested my immediate presence. It was shortly after school started. What could it be? The principal was very surprised I had no idea what this was about. Apparently, my classclown of a son had “pantsed” one of his buddies, as most of the kids waited to board buses at the end of the previous schoolday and he accidentally took the underwear down with the targeted basketball shorts. After a stern talking-to, my nearly 13-year-old was expected to share the event with his parents. Wow.

Was I embarrassed!!! I’m practicing my best parenting and my kid pulls this stunt. Fortunately, the victim and offender were best friends in a group of boys that had been together for seven or eight years already. They spent the majority of their time together at our house; the basement was their hang-out. The parents didn’t make a big deal out of this, which they could’ve. But, YES, my kid did this enormously stupid choice. Why? Because he was impulsive, unaware of the severity or consequences involved, it was one of his best friends and he was a “funny” guy.

It was my job, as his parent, to ensure he understand why the choice he made was extremely bad and suffer appropriate consequences. There in the principal’s office, after my initial comments aligning with the school authority’s take on the entire mess, the principal leveled a 3-day suspension. I said, “Well, you won’t be having a sleepover for your 13th birthday this weekend.” I didn’t defend him; practically the whole school saw it. I didn’t make excuses that it was his good buddy or my son being excited about his upcoming birthday game-and-pizza all-nighter with his “gang.”

Could I have made those excuses? I could’ve. Maybe some parents would have waited until they were in the car and laughed it off or allowed the birthday sleepover, figuring the school suspension was enough. In the real world, though, it might be considered sexual abuse, exposing a child’s private parts, etc. Police and the court wouldn’t care who he was or that it was his friend, if a third party reported. In this day and age, someone would probably have had it up on YouTube before the kids got off their respective buses. It wasn’t in my son’s long-term best interest to give him a pass, if I want him to accept accountability and pay the consequences.

I didn’t give him a long talk about “how disappointed” I was or yell at him for my embarrassment. The consequences were cancellation of the birthday celebration, not postponement, and a structured, 3-day suspension that loosely followed his school schedule.

We made our sons save up for things they wanted and they heard my husband and I talk about money and budgeting priorities. While we didn’t have very big arguments in front of the kids, but they saw us disagree about smaller things. We usually resolved things with humor. Our sons saw us not make a big deal out of issues that weren’t or dig our heels in.

A couple of common barriers to providing your child with a toolbox to deal with a variety of situations are being your child’s friend and believing that advocating for your child means they are always right and anyone thinking otherwise is wrong. Those topics will be covered in the next P.A.V. post.

Evaluating your job as a parent in light of the needs of your child is the only true measure. Ask yourself how you can best prepare your child for the world, not a particular sport, university, career, or path in life but actual real-life adulting. From personal experience, I can share that the best response to being told you must replace your tire or clutch, a medical test shows a concern, or seven dollars left in the account for a week, is not to go into a panic, cry, and blow up a bad circumstance. Operating from a place of confidence and experience (even if vicarious) is far preferable. All things considered, what do you really want most for your child and what are some steps you can take to assist them in developing skills and qualities necessary?

Sara’s education and experience: B.A. Ed; M.S. Counseling; teacher grades K & 2/3, educator for childcare providers, training in Positive Discipline and Growing, parent educator, program director of crisis nursery, including parent support, staff management & training, stay home mom 16 years with two sons born 19 months apart, medical transcription for 10 years in order to stay home, substitute teacher grades K through 12. Blogs about a wide variety of topics on survivingsara.net.