A year ago this month, I fell down a scary hole, darker and deeper than I’ve previously experienced over 25 years of hiding or running from depression. I became suicidal, writing my goodbye letter and shopping for the necessary supplies. The antidepressant I took was obviously no longer effective.
The psychiatric ARNP whose been helpful in the past got me in right away, and we began the long, difficult process of weaning off current antidepressant and gradually getting the new one on board. This. This is what I dread the most about dealing with depression. It takes f o r e v e r. For a while, I end up in limbo, not taking enough of either drug to affect the darkness.
Treatment continued but I wasn’t responding well. We added another antidepressant to the recipe, now two antidepressants and one anti-anxiety prescription. Additionally, my weekly pill organizer includes blood pressure and reflux meds, muscle relaxers as well as various vitamins and herbal supplements. I find setting up the weekly regimen depressing in itself.
I’m certainly doing better than I was a year ago, even in a pandemic. Fibromyalgia has been very difficult. At my appointment this week, I explained that I am finally, just in the last few days, beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, as I spoke about getting well, I began crying. Sheesh.
We spoke about fibromyalgia and my need to accept that I have an autoimmune disorder. She gave me the best explanation of fibromyalgia I’ve received in 11 years. I’ll write that up separately in next post. We narrowed my issues that could be specifically addressed to energy level and brain fog.
The solution she suggested was a stimulant. Ugh. The dose would be half the lowest dose typically prescribed to start. It is instant release, so I could expect my mind to clear and energy to increase after just a couple days. As a result, it would lift the depression. I left with prescription in hand but an uneasy feeling.
The prescription drugs i take are certainly more numerous than I’d like, but they address particular issues that really need attention. Mulling over my desire for more energy and clarity of mind, all the pills I’m taking were swirling around in my head. I’m pondering taking a stimulant to be up for the day, then something else to help me be calm, and another for sleep.
A reluctant user, I nonetheless followed doctor’s orders and took half of the low dose. I didn’t notice any perceptible difference from that one bit but I continued to be anxious about adding an addictive drug. As a result, I’ve decided not to take it, but it’s helping anyway. Going through the process of evaluating my situation and making my own choice has been empowering. I’m not going to treat depression and brain fog with a stimulant, and knowing I have the option to increase energy should I need it, grants me some peace of mind.
p.s. Yesterday, proving to myself I don’t need a stimulant by doing a couple projects I’ve been eyeing, really wiped me out! Overdoing is my m.o. Okay, going to increase activity gradually. š
SurvivingSara 