Journal 1/14

I feel weary and pathetic. I worked the past two days, choking on tears to keep them at bay. Last night, when I got off work, I sobbed from the deepest part of myself for an hour. One of my best friends texted to see how I was doing, so I called and she talked me through it.

When I woke up this morning, the tears started to flow again and I knew I couldn’t make it through today pretending to be okay. I’m not okay.

I feel so bad for my husband.

If I had a badly fractured leg, I wouldn’t try to bear weight on it until it was strong enough. After a c-section, I didn’t lift weight until I had healed. If I could be strong, I would. If I could pull myself together, I would. My husband reminds me I’m ill and it’s still early days. It’s less than two months since I had to take a leave of absence. My friend and my husband both assure me that I will get better.

My friend suggested looking for something to be grateful for each day. Today, I am grateful that I have a beautiful view out my bedroom window.