There’s That River in Egypt Again

Do you take return trips to places you’ve visited in the past? I seem to be drawn to long cruises on the River Nile. It is beautiful. Problem is, I don’t even know I’ve been on the water alone until a friend or counselor lets me know it’s time to disembark. Good news is this time I see myself that I’ve been swimming upstream on my own – for 35 years!!

As Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” After all these years, I see clearly that I’ve had unrealistic expectations around communication with my husband. Early years, before marriage, when I’d get upset about something he said to me, his response would frequently be, “I’m sorry I don’t say things the way you would,” add a coat of sarcasm and possibly substitute, “exactly the way you want me to.” The second conversation that sticks was just a couple years after tying the knot. We sat at a high-top table in an Irish bar called Shenanigans, surrounded by deep green walls, rich brown leather and wood, with stained glass windows and lamps. The topic of discussion escapes me but must’ve entailed me urging my husband to share his thoughts; the crescendo came when my frustrated husband declared, “I don’t want to get deep.” Wow. I was floored. Obviously, I heard him. Did I listen?

Dealing with illness, accidents, deaths and all those hardships a family lives through over 35 years, our communication has certainly improved since the 90’s, but like any partnership, we have themes that have ribboned through the decades. One is that when I talk to my husband, he often hears the voice of Charlie Brown’s teacher. Hard for me to receive no response Another conflict that I’ve experienced is being shut down from expressing myself. This is achieved by being loudly talked over me. Either I’m wrong, he knows what I’m going to say, or he’s heard it all before. Sometimes all three apply. When I try to clarify and finish my point, I hit a wall. In a couple recent go-rounds I raised my own voice, trying to be heard. Next question, why am I getting so upset?

Not sure what’s worse, not being heard or the repeated disappointment. And I say to myself, “You can’t change another person. You can only change yourself.” There it is. I will adapt. My expectations will be only for me. Finally, I accept my husband will not be engaging in communication the way I’d hoped. Well, slap me with my counseling degree and call me a desperately slow learner.

Going forward:

• I’m gonna protect myself from the sting of disappointment, as much as I can, by not putting myself out there.
• No responses, verbal or action, to statements or questions will be expected. Bonus if one is given.
• I’ll develop new ways to express my thoughts and feelings, including painting and photography. Really, this time I will start painting and using my camera.
• I won’t get my hopes up.

This post is one of my early efforts toward functioning in reality. Because it may be difficult to express these thoughts to my partner in life, for reasons mentioned above, I won’t. These are my real thoughts. I’m tired. Yesterday, on a long, quiet, 8-hour, road trip, the analogy that came to mind is a plant that likes a medium amount of water adapting to low rainfall. It’s not ideal conditions, but that’s what comes from the sky.